This was probably inevitable, and a cry for help
The good news
Because I hated the queen's gambit declined (QGD), I tried an unsound gambit (a variation of the Englund) for a while. I really liked it, as it lead to kooky open games. But it also is a bit tense. Since I've been playing the Caro Kann as black against e4, I realized I might as well play the Slav as black against d4. They have similar pawn structures, both are quite solid (neither will ever be "broken" by white), and neither requires a ton of memorization (in particular I have found this true in the Slav, where playing natural moves leaves me with good games).
These similar pawn structures show me something about myself: I hate having the "problem" of where to develop my light-squared bishop. As in the French, so in the QGD, you typically lock in that poor guy early on and then fight to find a place for him. That turned me off to the damned French. The Caro is the solution to that problem. The same logic applies in the Slav as compared with the QGD.
The bad news
As white, I'm almost happy with my repertoire. I like the Smith-Morra (a lot) against the Sicilian. Against the French as white, I'm thinking of taking up the Tarrasch variation instead of the Alapin gambit. Again, trending toward more solid openings, with an emphasis on good pawn structure from the start.
My main remaining problem, then, is that my Danish gambit (1 e4 e5 2 d4!?) doesn't score all that well. On the positive side, the Danish is nice because it basically forces black to play my game, but I'm realizing that it weakens my pawn structure too much, leaving me in a scramble to find an attack before I reach a losing endgame.
The problem is, I hate all the damned variations that come with the standard white openings like the Ruy. I've considered the Scotch, but then I'd still have to deal with the Petroff, the Philidor, and that whole early deviation bullshit. Is there any escape?
I want something offbeat, but solid in response to e5. The less memorization required the better, i.e., I want to be able to play natural moves and end up in a decent position, and don't want to navigate a 20 ply tightrope on every variation just to get to += (that is, no King's Gambit). That's not to say I don't want a gambit: I am quite happy with the Smith-Morra. I just tend to like openings that are sort of "systems" where there is a general strategy you follow most games unless the opponent deviates in unusual lines.
I would really like something something for which there is a really good book out there, one that explains strategy from move one, and which covers the early deviations very thoroughly (so even if you have a book on the Open Variation of the Ruy from white's perspective that you really love, I don't want to hear about it).
What about the King's Indian Attack? Are there any good books on that which start 1 e4 e5? [Answer: no].
And yes, I know the openings don't really matter at my level, but this is fun!
Update: based on some comments from masterwannabe, I just had a look at my old Bishop's opening repertoire. It was actually quite strong, and is a fairly systemic opening (there is a set structure you aim for, only deviating when black acts strangely). Why did I stop playing it? I think I stopped playing it when I picked up the Smith-Morra gambit against the Sicilian, under the idea that I wanted similar pawn structures, began playing the Danish (which almost always transposes into the Goring Gambit in the version I played).